Loss and found, Part II.

 I previously talked about my experience with loss as in having had someone or something and then it being gone. Today, I will look at a different aspect of loss, at least it is a different one in my mind: the feeling of loss we have for something or someone we’ve never had or experienced. It is a very different feeling. Some would say it is just longing, but I would disagree.

Mourning the loss of things that never were.

We all want things, more or less trivial things. Most of us have wanted a mate when we were alone, have ached for a different life we’ve never experienced, or deeply longed for some other imperative we felt was essential.

Sometime it is silly, often it is not.

I’ll always remember how as an awkward and overly shy teenager, I missed a world where every girl would just throw themselves at me. It was a painful feeling of incomprehension that later I would equate with the pain and “Whys” of more substantial losses, like the one I mentioned yesterday. [They are not the same, obviously, but the feelings were equally devastating. Teenage-hood is awful like that.] But that loss was not diminished by the fact that it was for something I never knew. It was no less real or affecting than those that came later. In fact, it took me a couple of years to mourn that loss, make my peace with it and be okay with the world as it was. That’s a silly example, I know, though none the less painful.

As a more serious example, let’s take a look at those people, and especially females, who desperately want a child but cannot, for whatever reason, have one. Do they not mourn that loss? And is it not a loss? The simple prospect of not being a father at one time in my life brought me to tears, my pain and incomprehension just as strong and affecting as the ones that rocked me through more traditional losses (and it wasn’t because of infertility issues FYI). I mourned, things changed, it got better.

And there are countless things in our lives that are such, things we will never experience and that we have to mourn, that leave holes in our hearts that are difficult to explain, that bring us to tears and to rage and that we have to accommodate our lives around. And those losses change with us. They pop up like heart attacks from the depth of our beings, and suddenly, without necessarily knowing why, we have to mourn. And the worst part is that sometimes we do not even know what we have lost in such a way. The feeling is there; a pervasive sense of emptiness or the unsettling feeling that something is wrong. But no root cause to direct our effort of mourning toward. That’s when things get hard.

It takes a lot of work and introspection to unearth those things we’ve lost without knowing we have.

 

 

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About cyrilbussiere

Author (Author.to/CyrilLCBussiere), Writer, Scientist, and Nurse-to-be. I'm into writing, reading, gaming, raising chickens, playing guitar, and traveling. Man, do I love traveling!
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5 Responses to Loss and found, Part II.

  1. Meredith says:

    I understand the loss that you talk about.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. vivachange77 says:

    Cyril, I feel your sense of loss and understand that it is very real. It’s funny, I woke up this morning thinking of my second husband.. He had a deep psychological scar that drove him and he was incapable of getting in touch with his feelings and loving me, or even seeing me. I think I will always carry my grief for what never was.

    Like

    • Sorry to hear about that vivachange. I’ve been with people consumed by unresolved issues, and it’s a painful experience to be with someone you love and doing everything you can to be close to them when they are incapable of returning the feeling however hard they might think they are.
      That always makes me think about free will and what it means to be human. When such “invisible” things we are not aware of drive us with such force, who is behind the wheel? What decision-making is truly left to us?

      Like

      • vivachange77 says:

        Thanks. In my former husband’s case I think his woundedness was so painful (his mother was profoundly bi-polar and unavailable to him) he chose at a very young age to deny feelings and live out of his head. Your question of who is behind the wheel applies. Only I think it is also human to be unable to develop as a whole being without love. I didn’t see this in my husband at first because as a loved child I never imagined such a thing. Being human is to wrestle with the unknowns of living – and to learn.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. carolyninjoy says:

    Reblogged this on Reviews & Recommendations and commented:
    Powerful writing about loss. It’s so timely since I’m grieving for a dear friend who passed on Friday. I have beautiful memories to gift wrap & store in my heart, but mourning all the future moments that can not, will not occur cause me pain.

    Insightful & well written article on loss. Thanks for sharing your insights

    Like

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